15 Jan


What’s going on? The 18.30 left two seconds early and I was on the 18.46 by 18.33 – this is unheard of. Have Southeastern been taken over by aliens? I am in shock to be honest. I am also still reeling for the sight I saw at lunchtime – photo montage above for you. Trust me, it looked even worse from the front. Her legs were like isosceles triangles – two equal sides and then the top being the side I didn’t want to even imagine. Wearing a miniskirt with legs like that should be a criminal offence. Visible orange peel though the too-thin tights and those tights would have been holding in the undulation better if they had been a thicker denier. Absolutely vile and the girl next to her was a brave yet horrible soul as she didn’t say to her companion that she looked like someone from one of those Fat Camp programmes. Perhaps she is on a diet bit in the interim she should cover up those legs that did look like what you see rotating in a kebab shop behind a sweaty man with a moustache asking if you want special sauce. She can’t even be described as a Dainty Elephant as she has created a whole new category. I am unsure what to call it though…. Kebab Leg perhaps? not quite for the Dainty Elephant ring to it though. Answers on a postcard. After my journey next to the inanely boring Oompa Lumpa and her masses of makeup I ensured that I dusted off the orange hue that had appeared on my right coat sleeve. She was slapping that shit on for 25 minutes solid and she only does her foundation and mascara so fuck knows how much she spends each year on all that stuff. She must keep several small nations in business with her purchases. I don’t even think that someone with a genuine skin condition that they would like to cover up would use that much product or spend that much time on it. She wasn’t even distracted today like normal where she is wittering on at the same time as taking breaks. Her hair was so awful and I wish I had got a picture when I got up to get off but it would have been too obvious. We are in the move now and I am ready to post. I have a date with the Duchess tomorrow along with the King of Kissingdom so I will either post late or not at all. I shall see what time we finish our dinner engagement. The Duke will be joining us too which will be lovely. I am looking forward to it. A fucking giant has just come and sat next to me – see below. He must well over six foot. Legs all gangly and out in the aisle. How thoughtful. What a wanker. Shoving that huge backpack in my face. Thanks for that. He also stinks. Could it get any worse? I will let you know tomorrow.



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